Hi, my name is Lynnea, and I'm a control freak.

Now you all respond in unison "Hi Lynnea." And we can begin this session of control freaks anonymous.

Alright, so step one is admitting I have a problem...done, well mostly done. I've admitted I'm a control freak, but I am not always willingly admitting that it is a problem. That though, is not actually the point of this post, though I could probably discuss that as well if I wanted to.

Once again I am sitting at a juncture in my life where I'm not sure what will be going on in my life in a few weeks, let alone a few months...and please lets not even talk about years from now! It is at times such as these when I most often am reminded of how much of an insane control freak I am. Mostly because I get stressed out due to a lack of control. Ok, but being a control freak isn't really news, but during this time of allowing myself to get stressed out due to lack of control I have learned something. (That's right people, I had an AHA moment...or multiple little "huh" moments that led to a cumulative "AHA" when they all came together. Want to hear it? If not this would be where you would just stop reading this post and move on to the next blog or twitter or whatever.

Because I am a control freak I do NOT ask for things. Ok, so yes there are occasions when I may ask for something, but as a general rule if you were to observe my life you would quickly notice that I do not ask for much. (and no, this is not me trying to be all humble etc.) The reality is that because I am a control freak, I don't like to ask for things because once I ask I put the control of the decision in...you got it, not my hands, but yours (or whoever I am asking). Thus I have become very good at dropping hints and hoping someone will volunteer without me ever asking (and I said I got good at it, not necessarily successful at it.) Does me not asking when I need help actually change the fact that the control of what happens isn't in my hands? NO, but it means that I didn't have to admit that I was not in control.

So, follow up, I suck at asking for stuff, but not just from people, but also from God. This little added AHA came during church this Sunday. My pastor was stating how we don't ask God for enough, and then (Sorry Pastor) I got totally distracted with the realization that I tend to not ask God for anything, I do the same hint dropping, but never truly admitting I have to actually ask and hand control over psychological junk that I do with real people. And lets be honest, no matter how much I don't ask, that doesn't change the fact that God is, and always has been in control. So, try to tune back into the sermon...and I hear the frightening passage, Ephesians 3:20 (okay, so the passage seems fairly innocent, but it is terrifying). "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." All I could get out of that was immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. Hey God, this is the control freak, and I'm just wondering, I'll ask you for what I want, but could you please not give me more than I am imagining...what I am imagining already seems to big and frightening, and you saying no my plans because what you have in store is even greater...well, I think I would just like to take what I have in mind....

Yep, pretty sure the control freak in me was screaming give me less so that I can control it instead of giving me the greater awesome you have in store and let you be in control.

So HURRAY, I have issues, and currently I am in the position of not being in control of an application for what I think is my dream for the next few years. And guess what, yesterday I finally actual ASKED God that if it were cool with his plan for me could I please get in there, and if it isn't let me be ok with it. Am I still TERRIFIED that I won't get in, umm yes...I'm still a control freak, that's not something one recovers from in just one AHA moment. In reality, I will probably live my entire life as a control freak, but if you ever hear me ask you or someone else for something you will know that I am working to not let my being a control freak control my life.