Twisted

I feel like somewhere along the way I picked up this idea, this belief, that if there is something I really truly want to do, or something I really truly want or think I would enjoy or might bring me happiness or joy, that it must not be in God’s plan for me. Somehow I seem to have picked up this idea that my plans are so tainted by sin that there is no way they can line up with God’s plans, and thus I must turn away from all my desires in order to follow God.

What a twisted piece of philosophy that is. Recently I have been contemplating this belief and realizing a few different things.

God made me and designed me for a purpose and loves me, he isn’t some sadistic being who would design me for a certain purpose and then ask me to fulfill a purpose he didn’t design me for. Thus, it seems likely that there will be times, (and if I am striving after God, these times will likely be more frequent) when my desires, the things that I want to strive for, that I believe will bring me joy, will actually line up with God’s desires. Shocking, I know, but God doesn’t actually want me to be miserable. Hmmm, what a thought. This doesn’t mean that everything will always seem “Like, totally awesome dude!” I may not always be happy, but there is a big difference between happiness and true joy. I’ll be honest, I’d give up the first for the second.

            Striving to live the life God wants for me doesn’t mean that I have to give up everything that I want or desire to do. As alluded to earlier, God planted many of these desires in me when he was designing me for a purpose. Striving to live my life for God does mean that I have to be willing to give up anything and everything (including achieving these desires) should God ask that of me. (I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be terribly good at this…in fact, I’d probably be about as good as a two year old who just had their favorite toy taken away). God doesn’t ask for me to turn away from all of my desires, but to turn away from my SINFUL desires.

            Lately I have had a really strong desire to do something, something that involves some risk, and change, and a whole bunch of things I’m not terribly comfortable with. Then I started buying into my twisted philosophy, that because I want it so much it obviously must not line up with God’s will, and thus no level of risk should be taken. I’ve had to check that belief, and reassess. The reality is, I’ve had to decide whether my desire fits within God’s will, and I’ve had to assess whether I want this more than I want to follow God’s will/would I be able to never fulfill this desire if God asked that of me. (God and I went out for pasta one night last week and discussed this.) I believe that what I desire is within God’s will, then the question God asked me was, “If what you desire is part of my will, my design, my plan, are you willing to trust that I have got all the risks covered and that you will be ok?” Being ok doesn’t mean I will always be comfortable, it doesn’t mean things will turn out the way I want, it doesn’t stop me from getting hit by a bus, what it means is that no matter what happens, God is in control and I am in his hands.

            So, this scaredy cat, who has created all sorts of strange beliefs to avoid taking risks, who has hesitated to reach for big goals that I truly desired, is about to make a big decision. In reality, I believe the decision has already been made. I’m going for it, unless God asks me not to. Here’s to trusting things are in his control…even when it isn’t always comfortable.